Son of a Nutcracker!
by chocolate coffee
Summary: Contest entry for VegetarianxVampire. One-shot. Attempted humor. Sex Ed. is taking place at Fork's Highschool. What happens when Emmett and Jasper decide to pass the time? Includes hummus, Darth Vadar masks, and more.


**Story Title: Son of a Nutcracker!**

**Authors Penname: chocolate coffee**

**POV: Bella**

**Catagory: Attempted Humor**

**Word Count: 2911**

**ENTRY FOR 'SCHOOL DAZE' CONTEST- See VegetarianxVampire for more about this contest.**

**Ok everyone! I was bored and actually had some time on my hands, and I had a spark of imagination flare when I saw this, so like it, love it, or hate it, here's a little oneshot for the SCHOOL DAZE contest! Hope that you at least find some amusment from it, even though my attempt at MILD/TERRIBLE humor is really sucky! it starts out kinda slow but just get past it plz! Humor fics just arent my forte i suppose... *sigh* anyway, here ya go!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight charaters, or any of Weird Al's songs, or the line from the movie _Elf. _Or anything from _Starwars._**

VROOM!

My head snapped up when I heard the sound of Edward's silver Volvo rush into my drive. I could see the outline of two heads through the tinted windows; one it the driver's seat, and one right behind the driver. I assumed that either Emmett and Rosalie or Alice and Jasper would be riding with us to school today.

As I walked toward the vehicle, Edward gracefully got out.

"Right on time," he smiled. I checked my phone. He was exactly on time. Of course, I wouldn't expect less from a vampire like him.

"Hope you don't mind, but I'm giving Alice and Jasper a lift to school today, too," he said, rushing around to the passenger seat's door.

"Edward, they're you're family, and that means that they're practically my family, too. Of course I don't mind," I grinned while rolling my eyes. He just gave me that infamous crooked smile back as he opened the door and I slid in. Before I was buckled, however, he was already back in front of the wheel and ready to go. Stupid shiny Volvo owner.

As he pulled out of the driveway, I looked back behind me.

"Hey, Alice. Hey, Jasper," I greeted them.

"Hi Bella!" Alice replied cheerfully. Jasper gave me a smile and a "Good morning."

"I know it's dangerous to ask, but why isn't Rosalie giving you two a ride in her car like usual? Not that I don't like it, in fact, you guys can come with us whenever Edward lets you, but it's different," I asked. Alice and Jasper both grinned and laughed lightly, but it was Edward who answered.

"They were a bit.... er... wrapped up in things, you could say." He grimaced, but I laughed.

"I've already seen that they'll be late to school," Alice grinned. Her eyes then went blank as a vision came over her.

When she snapped back to the present, Jasper asked what she had seen. I heard Edward groan from behind me as he read her mind.

"What? Tell us!" I demanded. Alice looked at me.

"Oh, nothing much. It's just that today we're having a Sex Ed. class," she stated. Now it was my turn to groan.

"Great. Just great. I get to be stuck up in a classroom with a bunch of hormonal teenagers learning about how to 'be safe'," Jasper sighed.

"Yeah, can't we just ditch today?" I asked. I wasn't one for ditching, but I really didn't want to go through this. Again. They had taught this at my old school already, not to mention all of the classes in middle school.

Before any of them could answer, Alice laughed lightly.

"No, Bella. We can't skip. I want to see the look on Emmett and Rosalie's faces when they're late for class and miss the announcement, then are caught completely unprepared and unaware," she explained. Edward, Jasper, and I smirked when she mentioned this fact. This could be quite humorous.

* * *

"Also, instead of going to third period, seniors and juniors will meet in Mrs. Char's classroom for Sexual Education, which will be taught by these two," our school principle said, pointing to a man and woman before moving on to other subjects. The students around us looked at each other with irritated glances, but Edward, Alice, Jasper, and I looked at each other with amused expressions. Emmett and Rosalie had missed the announcement.

Five minutes later, I saw something moved out of the corner of my eye, so I glanced over to see that Emmett and Rosalie had arrived. Emmett's shirt was wrinkled, and he had that stupid grin plastered across his face. Rosalie was trying to straighten her hair and shirt, and she looked a bit flustered for once.

"Nice of you two to join us," Edward whispered, just loud enough for me to be able to hear, too. Emmett seemed not to have heard him, even with his vampire hearing, but Rosalie shot a glare in his direction. Edward just shrugged and turned back to the front.

The principle continued to drone on, and on, and on.

* * *

The bell rang, signaling the end of second period. I gathered my books and, with a smile on my face, walked out the door.

"Hello, love."

I jumped at his voice, sending my books down onto my foot.

"Ow..." I groaned, rubbing my foot.

"Sorry," came Edward's voice again as he leaned down and quickly picked up my books. Without handing them back to me, he began to lead us down the hall, toward Mrs. Char's room.

The voices of the rest of the Cullen 'children' grew louder and louder behind us, until I felt a poke on my right shoulder. I spun around to the right.

No one.

A poke came on my other shoulder.

"Emmett," Edward said with a note of caution in his voice.

Emmett appeared at my side, grinning, and I couldn't help but grin back, knowing what a surprise he was going to get.

I opened my mouth to scowl him, but Rosalie cut in.

"Well, we'd love to stay and chat, but we have a class to get to," Rosalie said bitterly before Emmett and I could start talking. She grabbed her husband's arm and began to pull him around a corner of lockers.

Jasper and Edward grinned at each other before grabbing their shoulders.

"Oh no you don't," they both said. Rosalie spun around at Jasper looking pissed.

"What do you mean by that?! We'd rather not be late-"

"Well, seeing how you were both late already this morning, we wouldn't want you to be late again, now would we? So, we'd best be heading in a that way direction." Edward pointed toward where Mrs. Char's room was.

Without waiting for a reply from them, the two boys lightly pushed Emmett and Rosalie into the back of the classroom and into a desk. I sat a row from the back, in front of Emmett and in between Alice and Edward. Jasper was behind the pixie, and Rosalie glared from her desk behind Edward. Behind the glare I could sense confusion and annoyance.

"Are you going to tell us what the hell this is?!" she snapped at no one in particular.

Without answering, Edward plopped my books down in front of me, and I put everything away besides some paper and a pencil, in case they were going to force us to take notes.

Right after I placed the rest of my things under my desk, Mrs. Char closed the door and the man and woman from this morning stepped up front and center. The woman spoke first.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Miss Draker, and this is Mr. Malack. We are your guest speakers for today's Sexual Eduaction class." She continued on about what we would cover today in this oh-so-special presentation, but the six of us weren't listening to her after that. What was the point?

I glanced back toward Rosalie, whose mouth was slightly opened, and her eyes were narrowed into black slits of anger and, could it be, surprise?

Emmett jabbed me in the back, though not too hard, and then flicked my head lightly with a pencil to express his own surprise. Perhaps it was annoyance, but that didn't seem like Emmett to me.

"Why the hell did no one care to mention this fact to us?! We wouldn't have shown up looking like we did this morning!" Rosalie said through gritted teeth. I wanted to tell her that she was the one who chose to do it with Emmett right before school, and that of course she was going to look flustered and like she had just been having sex!

"Or, more likely, just have skipped today and spent more time-"

"Emmett!" Alice, Jasper, Edward, and I hissed to shut him up before he said something that might even be illegal. He looked as though he was about to defend himself, but the guest speaker's voice rose suddenly.

"Unlike some, who choose to busy themselves when there's not the time." It was the man, Mr. Malack, and he was glaring at Emmett and Rosalie. He must've seen them slip in this morning. I could just picture Rosalie smiling innocently at the poor man, because he lost his train of thought, most likely from her magnificent (though fake) smile. Emmett was probably repeating the morning in his head.

Once Mr. Malack had regained his composure, he went back to talking. The six of us, in the meanwhile, just sat there.

I glanced down at the papers and pencil in front of me as I tapped my fingers, and a thought hit me.

I picked up the pencil and pretended to take notes.

_Does he know that we don't care?_ I wrote.

Carefully, I passed the note over to Edward. Not seconds later I recieved a reply.

_Well, he suspects it, but is busy trying to convince himself that we do._

I began to scribble down a reply, but the paper suddenly disappeared from my desk. I glanced over to see Alice jot something, and then the note was in front of me once more.

_He's wearing a black shirt... with navy blue pants. I can't believe it! A grown man can't even learn to color-coordinate!_ Typical Alice. I didn't know how to reply, but luckily for me, Emmett reached over my shoulder and took it.

Five seconds later it was on Alice's desk. Then Emmett's. Then Rosalie's. Then Emmett's. Then Alice's again. Finally Alice snuck it to me, and I looked at their mini-conversation.

Emmett had wrote: _Hey! Is that supposed to be an insult toward me, too!?_

Alice: _Well, yes. You do have a rather horrid sense of fashion._

Emmett: _Hey, just because we're not all-_

Rosalie must've taken it from him at that point. _Don't worry. The clothes that I pick for you look fabulous._

Emmett was smug. _See._

Alice had chosen to end the argument there, because she asked me if I had plans this Saturday. I thought in my head and concluded that, no, I did not in fact have plans this Saturday.

_Nope. Why?_

I got the note back.

_You'll see._

Emmett then took the note and wrote something before quickly passing it to Jasper. I heard a thud beside me and looked over to see Edward bang his head on his desk, leaving a bit of a dent.

Then I heard two impossibly loud belching sounds erupt from behind me.

Son of a nutcracker! Those two imbeciles! What was that about?! I didn't even know that vampires could burp!

The class started silently shaking with laughter, and I spun slowly around to see Jasper and Emmett grinning widely at their accomplishment.

When I looked back at my desk, I noticed a new piece of paper with Edward's handwriting on it.

_They made a bet to see who could be the loudest._

I rolled my eyes and sank down into my seat as the speakers continued on as though nothing had happened.

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU, JASPER! I DON'T EAT BACON BITS! NOW GIVE ME THE DAMN HUMMUS!"

Emmett's voice rang through the room, and I jumped a few inches off my chair. The guest speakers' papers flew everywhere, and they scrambled to pick them up.

Once again, I turned to see Emmett with fake anger plastered all over his face along with wide eyes and a clentched jaw.

Now it was my turn to hunch over with silent laughter, along with the rest of the class, Rosalie included even. The guest speakers looked pretty funny when they were shocked and startled.

Once more, the Miss Draker and Mr. Malack continued, but were interrupted when the principal's voice came on over the intercom:

"Sorry for the interruption, but would the chess team please-"

"NO!!! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!"

I whipped around to see that Jasper had curled himself up into a ball on the floor and was shaking with what looked to be sobs, but I knew was laughter.

Everyone just stared at him for a moment before Alice got a look of 'concern' on her face and knelt down by him, pretending to comfort him as she motioned for the guest speakers to continue, which they did.

Ten minutes had passed with no interruptions from either Jasper or Emmett, so I was shocked when Emmett began to do something else. I looked back at him, but he was out of his seat and dancing. Headphones were in his ears, and he was belting the lyrics to the song out.

"THEY SEE ME MOWIN', MY FRONT LAWN! I KNOW THEY'RE ALL THINKING I'M SO WHITE AND NERDY! THINK I'M JUST SO WHITE AND NERDY! THINK I'M JUST SO WHITE AND NERDY-"

"Emmett Cullen! Sit down this instant or you'll be out of this classroom before you can say my name!" Mrs. Char demanded. I wasn't sure, but I think that before he sat down his mouth moved. Probably saying her name.

I glanced at the clock. Only ten more minutes to go until lunch.

Miss Draker continued to speak about the importance of protection.

Nine minutes.

Eight minutes.

Seven minutes.

Six minutes.

Five minutes.

Four min-

"Luke, I am your father!" Darth Vader's voice echoed from behind me, and we all looked at Emmett to see that he was wearing the mask and was now breathing heavily into it to make cool sound effects.

The class couldn't hold their laughter any longer. All at once, they broke out laughing. The guest speakers and Mrs.. Char glared at Emmett.

Before anything else happened, the bell rang, and we stood to leave, but Mrs. Char walked over to the six of us.

"You six were not paying attention this whole time, you passed notes, and you had doing completely inappropriate behavior. I expect to see you all on Saturday for detention..." She walked away, leaving us (minus the mind reader and the pixie, who already knew that that was going to happen) gaping after her.

Oh.

So that's why Alice wanted to know what I was doing Saturday. Oh well, I'd have time to think about it later.

We all stood and looked at each other and cracked up. I had to lean against Alice just so that I didn't end up on the ground.

Once catching our breath, we headed out the door.

We looked at Emmett, who just said:

"Man, I never knew that Sex Ed. could be so much damn fun!"

**Ok guys, that sucked. i read it over for myself and it really sucked. *blood rushing to cheeks* but, so there it was!!! please review and tell me just how lame that was! im sorry! i kno it wasnt really that funny, sooo... but still! plz review!!!  
rOsE ^-^**


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